Identity

Yesterday it was all over the news…another college campus tragedy. Although, thankfully this one did not result in fatalities, it was still tragic. What first caught my attention was the fact that I knew people teaching at this particular campus, and two years ago my daughter and I sat in the auditorium on that same campus to take in the Miss Deaf Texas pageant for the fun of it. Beautiful campus.

This time, the assailant attacked 14 people, not with guns, but with an x-acto knife or scalpel. The big news among the Deaf community was that this young man wore a Cochlear Implant Processor. Vlogs and Facebook posts were all abuzz. 

Some say the CI messed up this young man’s head. Some say the fact he was homeschooled was a problem. Others say it was the hearing impairment that caused him to act out. Then I read a comment where one word jumped out to me and I’ve been holding on to that ever since. Identity. My mind dwelt on that a bit. I looked it up:

i·den·ti·ty  [ahy-den-ti-tee, ih-den-]

1. The state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under 
varying aspects or conditions

2. The condition of being oneself or itself, and not another

3. Condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is

4. The state or fact of being the same one as described.

5. The sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over 
time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia

 

Interesting…number 5…sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time…identity can be disturbed in those with mental illnesses according to the description from dictionary.com.

That led me to thinking even more…if mental illnesses could disrupt someone’s identity, could lack of identity contribute to mental instability? Possibly. Where is identity formed? In childhood, of course. How we relate to our parents, how we are guided, instructed, and shown love (or not). We have a sense of security midst the sameness our family unit offers us, but what happens when that sameness isn’t so…same? For example, when parents are deaf and their children are hearing, or vice versa, parents are hearing and the children are deaf? I look back on my own childhood and admit that although my parents were extremely supportive, accepted my deafness, accommodated me to a fault, and went above and beyond to ensure that I was included in everything, something was still missing. I felt loved and accepted, yes, but I struggled with my identity. Was I a hearing person trapped in a deaf body or was I a deaf person stuck in a hearing world? Did it matter? At the time, it was a non-issue. I didn’t have hangups over my hearing loss, and I functioned well in the hearing world. My issues, instead, were subconscious, only to surface at such a time as now (or last year, actually, during a conference in which the focus was on….yep, identity!). 

I had a conversation with my oldest who admitted at the age of 22 that there were identity struggles as a CODA (Child of a Deaf Adult). I would never have known because he was a happy, well-adjusted kid growing up who participated in life and did well in school. But it makes sense. Whenever we have a mesh of two cultures in one household, there is bound to be identity confusion. How do we work around this? I believe the key is in accepting the differences, being open about them, and acknowledging the fact that those differences serve to enrich the family, not to contribute to identity issues. We can teach our children that they have something that we, the parents, do not have (and vice-versa, actually!), and that’s OK because it is those differences among us that make the family complete, functional  and contributing. We can learn to embrace our own identity as well as that of others and take caution to never promote one over another, especially since we know all men were created equal, and God loves us all the same. 

I found an interesting journal article that addresses the issue of identity between the deaf and hearing cultures. Read it here.

Now I’m even more intrigued…I’m off to research more about Deaf/Hearing/Identity! Maybe this is the key across the board to reducing all these incidents of young adults on killing sprees! Give someone an identity they can be secure in and watch that crime rate decrease…one can hope, can one not? 

Deaf History Month

 

We have recently come upon Deaf History Month and one of the things that comes up every year is the desire to educate those outside the Deaf culture to view the culture differently than what one has traditionally been taught. This reminded me of an incident many years ago when one of my boys was in kindergarten. I had accompanied him to school one day to give a demonstration on sign language and show off some products then used by Deaf individuals such as Telecommunications Devices, doorbell flashers, baby criers, and the like. I had access to a captioned television and played a portion of a VHS movie without sound. Being in kindergarten, many of the kids thought the TV was broken. It was a fun time with my son and I thought nothing more of it after all was said and done.

Fast-forward 13 years later, my son is working and I show up to visit him. I notice one of his co-workers staring at me and start to think I have spinach on my teeth, a squashed bug in my hair, or something equally disgusting on my face. I am almost afraid to look at her but when I finally do, she asks, “Aren’t you David’s mom?”

“Why, yes. Is that obvious?”
“Well, I remember you. You came to our class once and taught us sign language. I remember a little bit. I remember everything about that day when you were there.”

Ironic that I came across this picture while scanning through folders on my computer. This picture is from that day, and I discovered it at a time I was thinking about how the most effective education to influence change starts with children. Back in 1988 I represented the state of Texas at the Miss Deaf America Pageant and the on-stage interview question for the finalists was, “How do we keep deaf culture alive?” This was the year of the big Gallaudet University “Deaf President Now” victory that captured national headlines and which was touched upon in a recent, all-ASL episode of “Switched At Birth” on ABC Family channel. The winning response was along the lines of educating today’s children because they are the leaders of tomorrow. 

So how do Deaf individuals encourage a change in the thinking of the hearing culture towards how they are perceived and what they can and cannot do? Deaf parents with hearing children have the advantage in forging a path towards this change. We have a connection between two cultures through our children and by starting with our own child and rippling out towards our child’s friends, they, in turn, can take information to share with their parents and their friends, but it starts with us and our child. 

Who would have thought that after High School graduation I would see someone I had not seen in 13 years and be informed that a simple willingness to demonstrate during “Five Senses” week in a Kindergarten class stuck in the mind of this individual? I don’t know about any of you, but for me, it reiterates the point that we need to live out our beliefs always. One never knows who is watching and really paying attention!

Playing Catchup!

Well, it’s been a while since my last blog and I apologize. Sometimes this funny thing called “life” happens and blogs get put on the back burner until issues can be dealt with. My life has not been uninteresting, but this blog is not designed to be all about me and my personal daily struggles, so I’ll put THAT on the back burner.

I WILL state, however, that deaf parents of hearing children seem to have to work twice as hard to get things done without relying on their children to communicate for them. I avoid asking my children to make phone calls or pass along communication on my behalf, instead choosing to keep the power order intact. I am the parent and they are the children. They should be coming to me for help, not vice-versa. My oldest two kids are now out of the house and there are times they’ll notice an issue and offer to help, but I rarely, if ever, ask for their help. I will accept offers, but I will not ask. Instead, I ask my own parents. Weird, huh? 

I have come across some hearing children who seem to be in an authority position over their parents based on the fact their ears “work” better than the parents ears. This is a risque situation. I believe when parents ask their kids to make phone calls for them, exchange messages, fetch things, they are putting the child in a delicate position. Some kids may take advantage of that and resort to telling their parents what to do. Others will just be uncomfortable and try to avoid being around at all. I think as a deaf parent, showing my children that I can do it myself, regardless of struggle teaches them that there is no excuse to not get something done, obstacles or not.

My home issues are underfoot now, and this is Spring Break week, which for me has evolved into Spring Cleaning week, but part of that “cleaning” is to catch up on things in general (like this blog) and work on Facebook, twitter, Google +, and other social media sites. That’s right. Before long, you’ll find links to connect with me right here on the blog so you won’t miss a thing!

Stay tuned…

Information Overload

The internet is a source of information overload if nothing else! Ever try to do a search on one specific thing only to garner an infinite number of results? For someone trying to grab information quickly, it can be a pain in the behind, but for those who thought they were isolated in their interest/dilemma/issue, it can be a blessing or even a life-saver knowing you are not alone.

I came across a well-written article on a blog on parenting in general and maybe considering the nature of my own blog, it should come as no surprise it was written by a deaf parent. She shares the same concerns I had when I held my firstborn. Will my child resent me eventually for being different than his friends’ mothers? Will there be more-than-normal difficulties along the way of parenthood with my deafness? Can I even do this successfully? Will my child thrive? 

This blogger, like myself, discovered there is no one-size-fits-all method to parenting, even for hearing parents with hearing children. Therefore, the fact that some in the home are deaf while others are hearing becomes a non-issue. 

Love when I find someone who has somehow gotten into my mind and posted about it! Or maybe I should be scared? 🙂

The blog can be found at this link. Have at it! 🙂 

New Website Discovered!

I came across Liysa’s website when searching out inspiration. I was surprised to discover she grew up with deaf parents. She struggled with identity into her adulthood before discovering her passion and now attempts to inspire others to find theirs. You can visit her site by clicking here.

Deaf parents or not, have you discovered YOUR passion? Are you sure of YOUR identity? If more of us would do what we were gifted the talent for regardless of what others may think about it, would we have a happier world? Hmmm….something to ponder!

 

Another CODA success

Came across some interesting articles while doing standard research for an upcoming summer workshop. Funny how you can be searching for something not related to your blog and all kinds of blog-worthy links pop up in the process. It’s kind of like my computer knows what I do and adjusts accordingly thinking everything I do is centered around that one thing when, in reality, I’m a person with many interests. 

A Chicagoland actress admits to being the daughter of deaf parents and speaks about her challenges growing up. Interesting stuff. If you’re interested in viewing the article, it can be found here. 

I love reading about how people take their everyday challenges and turn them into something positive…such as how many children of deaf adults grow up to become some of the most skilled interpreters or advocates for disability rights, how some grow up to become entertainers, drawing from their childhood experiences to make us all laugh, and even how some just become likable people because of their tolerance, understanding, and acceptance of others who are different than themselves. 

Some of my readers have no connection with people who have grown up with deaf parents, but I’m sure all of us can at least think of one person who grew up with unique challenges who made the most of it later in life. Any stories out there? Share!

 

On being the Parent

Things have been hopping in our house lately. I won’t bore everyone with details, but I did want to share something that was on my mind in the process of all that was going on.
As Deaf individuals, when we walk down a public street, or in a shopping mall, or just anywhere among other people, we miss out on a lot of opportunity to learn things as we go. Our hearing children, however, are picking up all the sounds around them and many times it may be a lot for them to process without assistance. Recently, there was a tragedy in my community. The only means I had to keep “in the loop” about it was to read what others typed up on Facebook, or in the news. My children, on the other hand, were exposed to what people were actually voicing about it. Being that I didn’t hear or understand what was spoken when we were out and about in the community, I couldn’t help process it all.
What is a parent to do? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that even children with hearing parents have access to information unbeknownst to their parents they may struggle to process without assistance. Obviously, many children left on their own to figure things out turn out just fine, so maybe we shouldn’t worry about it too much. On the other hand, there are some children who NEED that extra help to sort through the information they’ve come into possession of, but maybe they don’t realize they need help, and we don’t realize they hold this information in their thoughts.
This is where constant communication becomes important, or at least one of the areas where it is important that communication between parents and children be effective. If we know our children well enough, we will be able to identify when they seem “off” or just not their normal selves we are accustomed to seeing.
My child’s quieter-than-usual demeanor was my first alert that something may be weighing that mind. My first course of action was to ask how the day went. I didn’t get a response that satisfied my query as to what was really going on inside my child, so my next course of action was to ask what kind of things people were talking about out there. This is when I realized my child probably needed to sort through a few things overheard and find a way to process it and file it away. By allowing my child to tell me what was heard out in the open, at school, etc., I was able to search my child’s facial expressions for possible difficulty with the issue and pinpoint exactly where to direct the conversation.
It is so important to study our children, their behaviors, their responses to events and statements, and train ourselves to identify when something just doesn’t seem the norm. I think of very young children, possibly toddler age, overhearing things we would rather they didn’t yet know about (think: cuss words), but if we cannot hear the words they’re exposed to, how do we begin to teach them that those are not appropriate terms to repeat by our mere reaction when hearing and identifying them? Usually, for deaf parents, they first learn their child has voiced the undesired terms from teachers or grandparents.
I recall a time shopping with one of my children as a toddler where I was used to people stopping to compliment me on my child and began to just smile and say “Thank You” no matter what. This one particular time, when I smiled and said “Thank you” to this elderly woman, she left in a huff with an extremely disgusted look on her face. Embarrassed, I hurriedly finished my shopping and got back to the car, then proceeded to figure out from my toddler just what had transpired. Imagine my horror when I discovered my child had told her she was old and ugly and she, in turn, told me “What a thing to say!” to which I had replied “Thank You” with a smile on my face. Had I made more of an effort to be aware of what was really going on at the time, I could have used the incident as a learning and teaching opportunity for my child rather than coming across as supporting what my child told this poor woman.
That just goes to show how easy it is for us as deaf parents to be oblivious to communication around us involving our hearing child, and how hard it is as deaf parents to catch what our child is catching and direct them appropriately towards tactful responses.
For me, specifically, I make sure I stay educated on the community events, either through blogs, through friends, or through community calendars. I maintain a circle of friends who are willing to include me when they discuss things recently heard in the community that have an effect on my children. I also appreciate school communication, sometimes straight from the principal’s office, in the form of e-mail which address anything that parents in general probably need to know, such as contagious illnesses reported at the school, tragedies involving students, emergencies happening on/near campus causing lockdowns or close-downs, and sometimes even just general non-emergency information for the sake of staying connected as a community.
Parenting itself was never promised to be easy. Parenting a hearing child as a deaf parent can be harder, but there are many ways around those hardships, especially with current technology and increased awareness of the needs of the deaf community.
Needless to say, I have spent many evenings with my children this month just talking, giving them a chance to express whatever is in their head and helping them figure out where to file that information for themselves (or, in some cases, throw it out completely). It isn’t always easy, but it makes for a much stronger relationship and develops deeper trust in each other. Two things which may be hard to come by for many families out there, deaf or hearing.

Do Children of Deaf Parents Succeed?

I often come across deaf parents of hearing children who worry that their child is “missing out” on “normal hearing kid stuff” (as they usually put it). The concern is that the child may not speak normally, excel in sports, make friends with other hearing children, or excel at anything outside of the deaf culture. Quite the contrary, as the recent American Idol proves.

Nate Tao is an American Sign Language instructor who brought his deaf Dad to auditions with him. It was a blessing to witness the strong relationship between the two caught on camera. It was an even bigger blessing to see that Nate made the cut and was headed to Hollywood. Yes, hearing children who have deaf parents DO succeed in life!

I have four children and all of them at one point or another have been involved in band. My oldest excelled at the trombone and maintained first-chair status for much of his music involvement through middle and high school. My next was considered THE drummer of his class and much to the band director’s dismay, quit in eighth grade in favor of football. The band director pretty much encouraged me with his knack for banging the snare in an attempt to get him to stay. My next child plays flute and ranked 2nd out of 22 at one point “without even trying” (as she claims). My now-nine-year-old just this year joined Drumline, a program for private and homeschooled kids in my area to give them an alternative to sports until they are “sports age” and can play organized school league games. So far, he does very well.

Beyond my kids, I personally know two KODA (kids of deaf adults) who became successful interpreters, one who entered the military, one who became a cop, and one who is entering forensics. There are teachers and professors, lawyers, dentists, doctors, just about any profession accounted for where someone in that field is the product of deaf parents. When I really think about it, it all makes perfect sense. These kids are unique in that they are born into dual cultures. They learn early on to juggle what most kids never deal with in a lifetime. I believe this is what sets them up for success later to a degree.

So congratulations to Nate Tao. I will be watching his progress and rooting for him. I love to see these kinds of stories which bring others in similar shoes hope.

Do you personally know any children of deaf adults who have accomplished something amazing? Share!

Chicago Tribune Article

I came across this article written by Blair Mishleau when doing some general research. It applies to communication concerns of deaf parents with hearing children. I love this quote: “Being a parent of a Child of Deaf Adult, or CODA, can be a lesson in patience, love and creativity.”
Read the full article here.

What do you think are some challenges/differences these families face that families where all participants are deaf or all participants are hearing may not?

Camp Mark 7

It can be difficult to find active groups for kids of deaf adults (KODA). At one point in time, there were chapters all across the United States. Today, only a few remain. Camp Mark 7 is one of the few places with regular activities for KODAs and I share their link below:

http://campmark7.org/